How Do I Ask My Partner To Couples Therapy?
The start of a new year can bring about reflections about your life, work, and more than likely, your romantic relationship. This can be a great time to reflect and set intentions for yourself individually and as part of a partnership. Below are some questions that you and your partner can ask each other to deepen your connection and reflect on what went well over the past yearly (or quarterly) cycle and what can be improved going forward. I hope this will spark the discussion of the intentions you hold for your relationship for the future and helps you to create a roadmap together as to how you might get to your next ‘check point’.
If after reflecting upon some of these questions, you discover there may be areas you want to strengthen, it might be helpful to try couples therapy. Couples therapy can help with exploring and getting aligned on these topics by facilitating meaningful and vulnerable conversations that allow you to express your feelings and understand each other in a more attuned and deep way. If couples therapy has ever crossed your mind, you can read on to learn more about couples counselling and decide if it’s right for you. In this post, we will dive into the following questions:
Who is couples therapy for?
What kind of problems bring people to couples therapy?
How do I bring up couples counselling with my partner?
Happy reading and reflecting!
18 questions to ask each other to reflect upon your relationship:
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being not at all satisfied and 10 being extremely satisfied, how would you rate your relationship satisfaction?
What is going well in our relationship? What are you most grateful for?
What would increase my satisfaction of the relationship by 1 point? 5 points?
What is missing from our relationship?
How have I changed since the start of our relationship?
Can you name one thing I did to make you feel secure?
What is something I do or say that hurts you?
What can we do to improve ______ (quality time, fun, sex life, independence/interdependence, etc)?
How have we handled conflicts? How do you feel after we fight?
Are you satisfied with how we come back and repair after conflict?
How do our upbringings influence our relationship dynamic?
Are there things you witnessed your caregivers doing (or not doing) that shaped your way of relating to others in relationships in general?
How are we handling work, finances, (extended) family, house chores, decision making (separately and as a couple)? How can we improve?
How does work impact our relationship?
What is something we do not see eye-to-eye on? Is there a way we can come to a compromise?
What is one thing you’re afraid to ask or tell me?
Do you think we are still compatible in different areas of our lives?
What do you think is the next step for us? Do we have common goals we are working towards?
After trying this exercise with your partner, you can tune into your body and thoughts and reflect upon how that experience felt for you. Was it calming and it brought clarity and security to the relationship? Or maybe it was eye-opening that there are things that you don’t know about your partner or that you’re not on the same page. It's natural to feel surprised by responses even if you’ve been together a while. This exercise was meant for you to start to have conversations that you may not have ever brought up or even thought about yet. Use this as a starting point for having more conversations to get to know each other - we’re always growing and changing!
Who is couples therapy for and what types of problems bring couples to the therapy office?
Therapy is a space open to all couples, of varying backgrounds, ethnicities, gender, age, sexual and romantic orientations, and relationship structures (monogamous, CNM/ENM, polyamorous, swinging, open relationships, among others). Couples therapy can benefit couples whether they have been together for 3 weeks or 35 years, are in an interracial, or long-distance partnerships. You don’t need to be married or in a long-term, committed relationship to benefit from couples counselling. Wherever you are in your relationship journey, therapy will likely be helpful and insightful, letting you learn a lot about yourself and your partner in the process!
The types of relationship problems that bring couples to couples counselling varies. You don’t need to be experiencing a huge betrayal like an affair in order to benefit from attending couple’s therapy. Couples in varying stages of their relationships come in for therapy for a variety of reasons. They may come to therapy to:
Work through a big change such as moving in together, getting engaged, having children, job promotion, moving away from familyIncrease fun and joy in their relationship
Be more present, affectionate, and supportive for each other
Work on communication to better understand each other and their own individual needs
Support their partner through mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, traumatic experiences, among others
Work through an affair and significant breach of trust in the relationship
Explore opening up (or closing) the relationship or explore kinks
Increase sexual satisfaction
This is not at all an exhaustive list, as the reasons for therapy are just as unique to you as couples therapy itself!
Thinking of bringing up the topic of couple’s therapy with your partner? Follow these steps.
“How do I bring up couples therapy with my partner if we’ve never talked about it before?” is a great and valid question! It can be scary to broach the topic of couples therapy with your partner. I have outlines some tips that may be helpful in getting you ready to have an open and honest conversation about your desire to look for a couples therapist near you.
Start with noting how important the relationship is to you and ask for what you want.
If you are seeking out couples therapy to enhance your relationship and help you overcome issues that you feel stuck in, there are likely some aspects of the relationship, and your partner, that you like and appreciate. That is a great place to start! Starting with something that is going well, can make it easier for a partner to be receptive to us and feel less defensive. (Side note: if you are already firm in your choice of leaving the relationship, a therapist can help you both to consciously uncouple from the relationship as well). Our partners are not mind readers, so it’s important to be clear and ask for what we need. Following up with asking if now is a good time to talk can allow for both partners to set time aside and really listen and reflect on what is being said, rather than feeling rushed and jumping to conclusions.
For example: Our relationship is so important to me - you’re my best friend, the first person I tell all the things I’m excited about and we have so much fun doing life together. I also know we value growth and personal development as individuals and as a couple. I wanted to talk to you about something that I’ve been noticing happening between us that I haven’t had the courage to bring up to our attention. Is now a good time to talk? If not, can we make time in the next few days or this weekend to talk about this?
Use the feedback sandwich to express the good along with the challenges you’re noticing.
Just like an actual sandwich that has bread, some sort of contents in the middle, and another slice of bread, the feedback sandwich is very similar. You start by stating a positive about your partner or relationships, followed by something you would like to see change, and end with following up with another positive. Stick to just one thing, bringing up too much can feel daunting and overwhelming, so start with just one thing that you would like to work on.
For example: I love that we dedicate time to each other every week to spend quality time together. I would like for us to spend more time discussing topics that we have been avoiding during our time together as avoiding these important topics has made me feel disconnected from you lately. It means a lot to me that you are so consistent in dedicating time to our relationship and are willing to listen to my concerns.
Try to be realistic and break down what you would like to see change.
When trying to communicate to your partner that something is not working, it may be best to be specific about what you are finding is not working in the relationship. It might sound silly to be so direct, but this sets up our partner for success to meet our needs. It might also benefit the relationship, if you asked your partner how you can help them reach these goals (“is there anything I can do to help you feel more open in sharing things with me?”). Following through on what you agree to do on your end helps build trust, safety, and support and increases the chances your partner will react favourably.
For example: Instead of “I’m unhappy with how our relationship is going”, try “I feel lonely and disconnected from you when we’re both working 50 hour weeks. I’d like us to dedicate at least 2 hours a month to doing something fun outside of the house like going on a hike”.
For example: Instead of “I want you to open up to me about things”, try “I feel more emotionally connected with you when you share things about your day without me having to ask. Would you be willing to go out of your comfort zone and try to tell me three things that happened, that you’re excited or frustrated about, per week, on your own?”.
Try to avoid blaming your partner by using “I statements” and decrease using “always” and “never” when describing your partner's behaviours.
When we hear “you always interrupt me” or “you never empty the dishwasher”, it’s hard to not get defensive and start to list of examples when we didn’t do those things. To combat this, you can state what is bothering you and ask for what you would like to see done differently by using I statements, which focus on how you are feeling about your partner’s behaviour and its impact on your relationship. Additionally, “always” and “never” leave the other person feeling like they can never do anything right and feel defeated. We know that this likely isn’t the whole truth and life is not so black and white. By changing the language, we can instill hope in our partner and for the relationship to improve. Instead of using “never” or “always” you could try and say “there are times when…”.
For example: To express discomfort with your partner not texting you when they are running late for a date night after work, you can say “I feel sad and unimportant when I show up on time and don’t see or hear from you. Could you please text me when you are about to leave the office to let me know that you are still on your way? It shows me that I’m on your mind and you prioritize our relationship.”
Stay open to the conversation and regulate your own emotional response, especially if undesirable outcomes happen.
We can’t control how other people respond and it may be a possibility that your partner may not even be open to discussing anything. In the moment, you can utilize tools like deep belly breathing and utilizing your senses to calm yourself so that you can then figure out what you would like to do next. More on emotion regulation in future posts.
I hope this blog post has helped you reflect about the state of your relationship, provide you an opportunity to have a challenging conversation about going to therapy made easier, and normalize couples therapy for issues outside of large breaches of trust. Looking for how to pick a therapist that aligns with your needs? Keep an eye out for the next blog post!
Interested in working with an emotionally focused couples therapist?
If you are located in Ontario, Canada and are looking to work with an online couple’s therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles and how they shape relational patterns, you can read more about myself and my approach here. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation to see if we are a good fit, and we can go from there. I look forward to working with you!
Wishing you a great start to your new year that is filled with curiosity, compassion, and vulnerability.