Looking for a couples therapist? Here are some things to consider.
Looking for a therapist is much like dating.
Before you even go on a first date, you likely already hold some ideas of what you find attractive (both physically and characteristically), you consider how you want someone to treat you, what values are important to you, and ponder what things you don’t want to compromise on. Finding a therapist is quite a similar process, but it can seem much more daunting because you might not know what you are looking for. Similarly to dating, when you start looking for a therapist it can be just as overwhelming as swiping through dating apps.
Before we talk about what you might want to look for in a therapist, to help you make an easier and more informed decision, if you are thinking about couples therapy but haven’t talked to your partner yet, that might be the first step to take. If you’re struggling with how to start a conversation like this, I suggest reading this blog post where I break down how to set yourself and your partner up for success when having such a vulnerable conversation.
In this blog post, I help you identify what you may want to consider when you are looking for a therapist, by posing a series of questions and providing you with some general knowledge on the therapy process to assist you. If you are in the process of trying to find a therapist for yourself or your relationship, then keep on reading.
Therapy consultations & therapeutic alliance.
So, you’ve talked to your partner about wanting to start couples therapy and now you’re on the step of finding someone you both like. You type in ‘couples therapist near me’, and likely end up on Psychology Today. Just like with dating apps, you might get fatigued from all the options available to you. As a couples therapist, I truly get how challenging it can be to find the “right fit” for not just one, but two people. You are likely looking for a therapist because you have been struggling in your relationship for some time, trying to figure it out on your own hasn’t been working, or something big like a betrayal or getting engaged has happened and you are looking for a way to navigate this new chapter of your life. It can feel incredibly nerve-wracking and vulnerable to admit to a stranger that you just met, that there is something wrong in your relationship. This can be especially hard if there have already been negative experiences with therapy or if this is the very first time you’re reaching out for help and you’re not sure what to expect. Please know, it’s so natural to feel this way. It’s an unusual situation - where else can you really pop into a call, with a stranger, and share what’s turned your world upside down?
Many therapists offer a free consultation call to see whether you would like to work with them. A consultation call is a great way to test out the waters of vulnerability and see how it is received. To put your mind at ease, if you have never scheduled a consultation call, 15-minutes goes by pretty quickly! Usually the therapist will ask you what brings you to consider therapy at this time, ask you some brief questions about your situation, share about their educational background and therapy approach, and allow you time to ask any specific questions you might have. It can help if you look through the therapist profile or website before meeting, have an idea of what kind of therapy approach you would like, and bring any questions surrounding what therapy would be like with that therapist or any billing, insurance, or logistical questions.
Research studies consistently tell us that the relationship between a client and the therapist is one of several important factors when it comes to change in therapy. A good therapy relationship consists of a trusting relationship between yourselves and your therapist. Part of building that trusted relationship, depends on finding someone who you feel comfortable talking to. The good thing is that in today’s day and age there are plenty of different therapists with different backgrounds and approaches, that you can likely find someone who fits what you’re looking for. The downside, is that you need to have some idea as to what you are looking for, otherwise you may become frustrated and give up your search.
I was recently reflecting upon my own journey of finding various therapists throughout various major milestones in my life such as having to navigate living abroad and my own relationship struggles. I wanted to share some questions for you to reflect on, as you navigate finding the therapist that feels like a good fit, so you can feel confident in going into the therapy consultation meeting. These questions can apply to when you are looking for either a couples or individual therapist. And remember two things: 1) you don’t have to settle for the first therapist you talk to and 2) you can always change therapists if you find that the relationship is not working for you. At times, you might even outgrow your therapist because their approach no longer fits for you, and that’s completely natural - it means you’re growing and evolving.
What do I look for in a therapist?!
At home vs in person?
Let's start with a simple one - would you feel more comfortable with an in person or virtual couples therapist, or does it even matter to you? If you don’t have much privacy at home, it may be best to opt for a therapist who offers in person therapy. If you have kids, don’t want to be limited by distance, or just prefer being in the comfort of your own home, then online might work well for you. Either way, having a space that is private during your sessions can lead to honest and open conversations, rather than feeling like you have to pause or not say something because you fear someone in your family will overhear you. The timing of when you would like to have therapy might also help in deciding on this - is your ideal time to have therapy sessions after work, during your lunch breaks or first thing in the morning? Is it easy to coordinate transportation arrangements or will that cause more stress of having to rush from one place to another?
Who is paying for couples therapy and how much?
How much are you willing to spend per session? Are you going to be using insurance? Do you know how much is covered under your benefits for couples therapy specifically and what providers does your insurance accept? Are you going to be paying out of pocket? How will you set aside a weekly or monthly budget? Can you look at your finances and decrease spending in various areas for a set period of time, if you are wanting to make a commitment to attending therapy but think it’s necessary to budget? Who will be paying for therapy (one of you or is it a shared responsibility)? Therapy is an investment in yourself, your relationship, and your future. Likely, you will need between 10-20 sessions, however this varies widely from couple to couple and based on presenting concerns. Lots of couples attend therapy for 6-months to a year and then come back for maintenance for a few sessions, or as needed.
What kind of therapist are you looking for?
Are particular therapist backgrounds important to you? Would you prefer your therapist to be of a specific gender? Would you like them to be a therapist of colour or to have lived experience with something similar that you are going through? Would you like your therapist to hold specific religious or spiritual beliefs? Would you like for them to be a parent if your main concerns center around being a parent. Please note that therapists are trained to work with varying concerns, even those that they may not have encountered in their personal lives and utilize evidence based treatments; so, it is not a requirement that your therapist must have lived experience in the same area in order to be able to successfully help you. However, it can be helpful in facilitating rapport with your therapist and finding someone you align with will likely help you be more open in your sessions.
What type of training does your therapist have?
This one is not so much of a question but some insight into what the road to becoming a therapist looks like, so you can make a well informed decision. Graduate school prepares therapists by teaching them theory and also providing them opportunities to complete internships. After graduation, they need to work to complete additional hours under supervision, and most therapists continue to seek out consultation even after requirements are met for independent practice or full licensure. You want to make sure that your therapist has at least a master’s degree from an accredited university and has taken additional trainings throughout their career to keep up to date with evidence based practices and provide you with appropriate support. If you ever feel uneasy about your therapist’s educational background, feel free to ask them directly about what their experience was like in graduate school and how they continue to educate themselves on specific topics, whether the get ongoing consultation or supervision if working in an area that they don’t have much experience, and whether they have specific training to help with specific problems. For example, sex therapy usually requires additional training for couples therapists as it is not usually taught about in great detail in graduate schools; a therapist can be informed on sex-related concerns, but may not have the same level of education and knowledge on how to treat sexual concerns and would likely refer you to someone who has that experience).
Does your view of how change happens align with your therapist’s view of change?
How do you see change happen in relationships? Before stepping foot into a therapist's office, think about how you believe that relationship patterns change and what would need to happen for that change to take place. Do you believe that you need to change your thoughts to see emotional and behavioural changes? Is it that you need to dive deep into childhood and past relationships to make sense of why something is not working? Do you feel that you need to work on specific skills? There’s no right or wrong answer and having a sense of how you see change to happen, helps with finding a good fit between yourselves and a therapist because you’re (mostly) in alignment and will be more receptive to your therapist’s approach.
How do you want your therapist to show up for you in session?
Do you want them to challenge you, give you specific skills or homework to work on outside of session, help you change your thought patterns? This is somewhat linked with how you see change happen, for instance if you believe that all you need to do is talk and have a safe container and reflective person for you to grow, then a cognitive behavioural therapist or someone who is more directive in their approach may not be for you. If you want someone more directive who asks you specific questions and focuses on brief therapy to help you come up with your own solutions hardly ever to focus on your past relational history, then a brief solution focused therapist may be for you. This is where you can do some more of your own research into what various types of therapies there are and see what resonates with you, as not all therapy approach are alike, nor does every approach work for every type of concern.
Of course this is not an exhaustive list of questions and there are likely other questions that I missed. However, I hope these questions have sparked some food for thought about what specific things you would want to look for in the therapy and in the therapist, and to help you make a more informed decision about starting couples or individual therapy.
Interested in working with an emotionally focused couples therapist?
Do you want to learn how your childhood and past experiences have shaped how you are showing up in your relationships? Are you looking to increase your awareness of your emotions and patterns that seem to show up time and time again? If you are located in Ontario, Canada and are looking to work with an online couple’s therapist who is knowledgeable about the impact of anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles and how they shape relational patterns, you can read more about myself and my approach here. You can start by scheduling a free 20-minute consultation to see if we are a good match, and we can go from there. I look forward to working with you!