Girls Just Want to Have Fun!
A Therapist’s Reflection on a Recent Girl’s Trip
In the afterglow of a wonderful week away from responsibilities, I sit here reflecting upon the insight and growth I have gained in the process of a relaxing getaway with the ladies. Mainly, how much we learn about ourselves when we are surrounded by and interacting with others. Though trips are filled with fun and excitement, grumpy moods and tensions can still arise and can give us much insight into how we deal with conflict. I wanted to share my reflections with you so that not only can you get a chance to reflect on the power of group interactions, but to also show the human side of a therapist who encounters struggles in her own life (even when on vacation). And share some photos!
The ultimate adult sleepover - 4 ladies sharing one room in a tropical location. A mix of new and long-time friends, embracing the beach and pool daily, while attending a fun evening outing and getting out of our comfort zones to do things we normally wouldn’t do (ahem, karaoke). Not much of an agenda in sight and the only concerns I had were what (and how many) outfits would I be wearing and where would we be going to eat for lunch and dinner.
From day one, I (and probably the others) noticed my desire to get things moving along. We got to our room, we changed, and with a couple hours left before our dinner plans, I was ready to go and explore the resort. As I waited until others were ready to head out, I took note of the buzzing in my body and the restlessness in my legs wanting me to go run free.
Growing up, and still to this day, vacations with my parents have always been action filled with an itinerary of many activities and in a short span of time. This can be great to be able to sight-see new and interesting places, but having lived in Hawai’i for over 5 years prior to moving back home to Canada, I grew accustomed to the slower pace of island life and desire for less quantity and more quality experiences.
On the girls trip, I was still shocked that (at times, especially early on in our trip) I found myself experiencing a strong sense of urgency to not sit around and felt unproductive if we were laying around in our room. I wanted to go walk around, lay on the beach, and soak up every moment of the sunshine and water. This made me think of how if I was on the same trip by myself, the desire to have things done a certain way would likely not have been brought to my attention as I would be the one in charge of doing things my way. This was one of several instances on this trip, where giving up control was slightly challenging for me.
On our last full day, as I lay in the ocean on a round floaty with my psychologist friend, the waves were doing their thing as waves do, and as they crashed into us they sprayed my face and sunglasses. I noticed the annoyance that was building up inside, as the water specks obstructed my vision. Though a small irritation, I decided to share the desire to wipe off my sunglasses so I could see clearly, with my friend. Of course, this was not about me not being able to see clearly, this was another small glimpse into how perfectionism gets in the way of me being in the moment and the challenges I have of letting things be less than perfect.
In her therapeutic and loving nature, my friend validated my feelings and agreed that this was a great way to practice sitting with discomfort. Sure enough, not even a minute later, I overcame the urge to dry off my glasses and I went back to being in the present moment - enjoying the sun, water, and talking about future life plans and the excitement of not knowing where life can take us.
Though a seemingly minor interaction, I reflect upon how this exchange strengthened our friendship and allowed for me to ease off having control over some things in my life. By sharing something that I was experiencing in the moment, I was not only able to get support with my discomfort and move past it, but it also reassured me that no matter what I share, I will not be judged, she will be there to listen to me, and help me if she can.
Overall, this trip allowed me to reflect on instances where I felt the desire to move things along faster only to realize that I didn’t have to be in a rush to get anywhere, the disappointment of not being able to control things like the weather so I can get one last sun tan to attempt and fix my shorts tan from the days before, the embarrassment of coming off as headstrong when wanting for my side of the story to be heard, and the fear of being judged or disliked in social gatherings.
In the absence of the other women, I wouldn’t have been able to get the same insight into my desire for control, efficiency, and being liked by others. Even though I didn’t verbally share all these experiences with the other girls, the self-reflection provided me with opportunities to identify and challenge the desire to have things go a certain way and it helped decrease the rigidity I felt I needed to keep myself safe. The lesson once again learned, is that things don’t need to be perfect in order to be enjoyed and that the world isn’t going to end if things don’t go my way. Stepping outside of my comfort zone to do karaoke together with the ladies also allowed me to confront the fear that others will judge me on my appearance or singing skills, as the crowd really joined us in dancing and singing along to Girls Just Want to Have Fun!
Power of Sharing in (Therapy) Groups
Reflecting back upon the trip made me think of how many times in our lives things go unsaid - from simply not sharing something due to judging it not important, to not wanting to make a big deal out of something to preserve the relationship while internally not being able to let something go and ruminating over it - and the impact it has on relationships with ourselves and others around us. Group interactions allow us to increase insight into how we handle conflict or discomfort, what our “go-to reactions” are when we feel misunderstood or unvalued, how these reactions impact others, and how this forms interpersonal connection or disconnection.
It also made me reflect upon how therapy groups serve such a meaningful and undervalued purpose to understanding ourselves during social interactions. Therapy groups, particularly process groups, usually comprise six to eight participants. Though one benefit of group therapy is that it is cost-effective, I believe that there is a much bigger benefit of learning that happens when you are encountering yourself interacting in groups rather than in one-on-one settings like individual therapy. In a process group, it’s not so much the topic or content of discussion that is the focus of attention (though that can certainly be helpful as well), rather it is the process of how things unfold in the group that helps participants and therapists glean insight into how interpersonal disconnect can occur.
For instance, one avenue that can be explored is what it feels like for an individual to share something and the related fear of being judged or not being liked for sharing said thing. Rather than learning specific skills or discussing how one could have changed something to get a different outcome, the group focus is on what emotions, sensations, and thoughts come up as we relate to others in varying ways. Other participants can chime in and express how they were impacted by hearing a person share vulnerably. This can help the initial person who shared something personal and vulnerable to understand how moments of discomfort can bring one closer to others, creating new insights about self and others. Similarly, if there are challenges between group members, this is also explored and new, more effective ways of dealing with conflict are created for all group members. Even being witness to a person processing something in a group format can be extremely helpful in exploring our own ways that we think about ourselves, others, or the world at large.
As a young therapist, right out of graduate school as I was starting out my career, I was hoping that there would be a group for therapists to help them reach out for support as they navigated licensure, learned deeper about themselves through interacting with other in a group setting, and increased their understanding of how to express emotions in a way that heals and connects others. Even to this day, there are relatively few process groups, and even fewer of those targeted at therapist pain points. Seeing this, I have taken it upon myself to create a process group for therapists specifically to address these challenges!
Does working therapeutically in a group context sound interesting to you?
If you are a therapist or social worker who is struggling with interpersonal connections in your own life (be it family, romantic relationships, or friends) and would like to join a process group designed for therapists to receive support and learn more about themselves in relation to others, you can learn more about the process group here. Please note that as this is still in development, if the times don’t work for you, please email regardless and state your availability!
If you are helping professional and thinking of relationship or couples therapy to improve your connection with your partner, you can learn more about myself here and schedule a free 20-minute consultation to see whether we would be a good fit to work together.